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having one of those weeks where I just feel so useless with no practical, redeeming qualities forever. I wish I didn’t have to think this of myself any more but it’s just dawning on me more than ever how unequipped and clueless I am. there is so much I want to learn and achieve but lately it’s hard to shake off the feeling that I am fundamentally flawed, that anyone can do these things with much greater confidence and competence than I, that I can try my damn hardest, but inherent knowledge always wins and I will always be a subpar loser
"Walking behind this monstrous dog made Nakata feel that people were getting out of his way. Maybe they thought he was walking the dog, minus a leash. And indeed some people shot him reproachful looks. This made him sad. I’m not doing this because I want to, he wanted to explain to them. Nakata’s being led by this dog, he wanted to say. Nakata’s not a strong person, but a weak one.”
Finally getting around to Murakami’s “Kafka on the Shore” and Nakata is quickly becoming one of my favourite fictional characters. He is just so precious and his blissful unawareness of his own self depreciation is painfully endearing to read. It’s about time I got back into Murakami.
I want to be a breadcrumb and hide under my bed because I don’t like today. I’ve had bad dreams almost everyday for the past month and I often wake up feeling awful and tired, mainly because I am stressed about immediate plans to move out despite not telling certain people yet, and apprehensive about what that may subsequently lead to. I’ve been irresponsible again and have forgotten to buy more medication and so today is my second day without and the withdrawal symptoms only seem to exacerbate things. at the same time, I don’t particularly feel like seeing or talking to anyone. I’ve forgotten to go to appointments and I’m too tired to make a new one let alone travel all the way to the city to go to them because quite frankly I don’t think I have the energy to. but! I want to be better and I will !fight! because I really desperately want to be off medication hopefully by next year. I don’t like the feeling (or lack thereof) when I am on them, and my wallet weeps from spending so much money per month for them. aside from that, I am working on making a scrapbook of things that make me happy and inspired. after I move out I’m going to have more freedom and time to focus on being healthy. I may join a gym (and god forbid I ever bump into anyone I know). and so I am excited about all that. if there’s anything that makes you happy, or has helped you, I would appreciate it immensely if you could suggest it. n_n
genetic predispositions; conditioned to believing herself a born loser who was taught to do nothing but love her abuser
the worse it gets
the more I am sickened
whether it be consciously or subconsciously
the thought of pursuing intimate relationships
makes me feel physically sick
makes me want to hide
love risks degenerating into sickness and disease
more and more
I am confused with how people can
even fall in love at all
passive mother sadist father
block your ears don’t hear her suffer
silent mother violent father
blackened eyes and scarred forever
broken mother broken father
to love each other
I feel like I am living in a comatose state. I am alive in many senses but all I see are shades of black and white. I am moving but everything alternates between slow motion and fast forward. I feel like who I am and what I am surrounded by has and continues to diverge and I am deviating off a path that is both slightly painful and interesting. I feel like I am in a perpetual daze of forward moving and backward thinking. The world that I once perceived as beautiful has collapsed and I don’t think the foundations of this reality are strong enough for me to bother reassembling.
Hi I’m blosa sun I’m the stupidest idiot in the world of warcraft
I don’t often publish proper blog posts because I feel like what I experience or think does not scratch the surface of what everyone else does. There are things I write but don’t post because I think people will probably think I am a gay aspiring writer, like someone who did Standard English in high school and chose to become an English major at Uni. Oh. Wait. I know this probably isn’t true, but I think it’s partially so because lately I think people, especially adolescents feel this inherent need to prove or validate themselves, or try to have people view themselves in a particular light. It’s like this is some sort of race to be someone interesting or different and I don’t want to be that sort of person at all.
Midsem break why so far away? I feel I am one sleepless night away from crying into my cat and consuming ungodly amounts of coffee. I don’t even like coffee I AM JUST A BABBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to think that living in crappy circumstances or experiencing an unfortunate rite of passage meant that I’d never be able to catch up to everyone else. I accepted I was born below them as if it were the natural thing to do and after a while I stopped trying altogether. I’ve only very recently changed my mind on this in that life isn’t actually linear like I initially thought. We don’t grow chronologically and there is no experience bar like there is in games. I realised that it’s a lot more fragmented and layered than that. I’m not quite sure if this is right but I hope it is and I’m going to try anyway because I finally believe that everyone is entitled to happiness.
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